God what a title!
Apologies for a big rants woe is me other, but Im hoping someone can relate (or not as the case may be, it's not a pleasant state of mind to be in...)
Iv had a really struggle of a day and Iv come to the conclusion that I don't really like my DS. He winds me up very easily, I find him very easy to get angry with, I blame a lot on him, when he asks for mummy milk I feel very violent towards him as I feel very violated (not sexually violated, like he's violating my personal space) I shout at him a lot and want to punish him/make him feel sad etc, I find myself blaming him for stuff he can't help, such as waking early and not bring able to be quiet so he wakes everyone else up.
The thing is, I don't feel like this voluntarily, it's making me feel sick with guilty for feeling this way. I'm not sure how I can change it?? Even when we spend 1:1 time together, I'm not enjoying it as Im constantly having to badger and moan at him to stop abc and do xyz, I'm not sure when our relationship became so damaged? Iv certainly never felt very bonded to him, but it's never been like this?? Is as if we're severed down the middle and i just don't know how to make it better??
Friday, 31 August 2012
Thursday, 23 August 2012
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Rough night
God tonight's a rough night. I've had a stressful day with tantrums/ILs feeding the kids rubbish before bed, little sleep and it's been very hot! Probably sounds like not much to most but Im in a fragile mental place right now and it's all building up in me and I feel like I might crack.
The paranoias back, I'm struggling to talk myself out of doing things that might forever alter some friendships Iv held dear. I feel like my friends avoid me, whether be that in real life or online. I seem to always be the one texting/messaging people only to get no reply or very limited replies and I'm not really sure why, I don't feel like Iv done anything to warrant it, but the aim not always rational or completely mentally present, so maybe I have? I'm really not sure but I could really do with some support and comfort tonight and no ones around to give it.
I don't want to go bed and wake up, Iv had enough of this all and Id just like it to end. If I can't get better I don't see the point of carrying in this miserable life.
The paranoias back, I'm struggling to talk myself out of doing things that might forever alter some friendships Iv held dear. I feel like my friends avoid me, whether be that in real life or online. I seem to always be the one texting/messaging people only to get no reply or very limited replies and I'm not really sure why, I don't feel like Iv done anything to warrant it, but the aim not always rational or completely mentally present, so maybe I have? I'm really not sure but I could really do with some support and comfort tonight and no ones around to give it.
I don't want to go bed and wake up, Iv had enough of this all and Id just like it to end. If I can't get better I don't see the point of carrying in this miserable life.
Friday, 17 August 2012
Mama tantrums
Today's been a bad day...no screw that, today's been horrific.
We had no spare money to go anywhere, it was raining, school holidays so everywhere's full anyway, loads of housework, not much sleep and it all just went wrong :(
I argued with the OH this morning (over his inability to take half decent photos *rolleye*) then had a miserable, demanding and basically mardy 3yo DS stomping around, taking a bite out of everything he could find and leaving it, grrr!
OH put the little one to bed for a nap before he left for work, me & DS decided to make a carrot cake. It was all going swimmingly until he wouldn't stop eating the mixture, I realised I had no cinnamon or SR flour and then turned around to find he'd dunked the seive in the egg/oil/sugar mixture. It sounds petty now but it was just the last straw, I shouted and told him he'd ruined it all, sent him up to his room so I could get a grip on myself (yeah bad move, not very UP/AP eh?) only to hear him go upstairs and wake his sister up on purpose.
I don't know what came over me, I was like a beast possessed, I shouted a lot more, frog marched him into bed and said some shit I shouldn't have said :( He proceeded to wake her up again, and it all just carried on in a crappy cycle. Me shouting, him shouting and crying, I lost my temper some more and put them both in their beds, shut their doors and tidied my bedroom to chill out, which didn't happen as he kept screeching and shouting at me from his room.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have even lost my temper, had I just have washed up the sieve we wouldn't have had 30mins of everyone (yes me too) crying and shouting, no one would have got hurt (me) and no one would have been told they ruin everything (poor DS).
I'm not sure why he triggers me so much, DD doesn't make me mad at all really. Maybe I expect more of him as he's 3 now? I'm still quite mad at him now, and have spent all day very detached and not mentally present with him. I feel guilty for it but it won't go away, even as I write it down, I'm still mad and want nothing to do with him as I want to punish him for making me mad (errr crazy no?)
We're having a 1:1 day tomorrow, OH has a rare Saturday off, I'm leaving DD with him and me & DS are going to town to meet a friend to go shopping. I will treat us both to lunch, probably a toy or something for him, and spend some time where no-one (hopefully) looses their cool.
I'm really not sure why he gets me so worked up, its a very recent thing, I just feel trapped in how I feel and I just can't stop myself shouting or whatever, maybe I'm too stubborn? I don't enjoy looses my cool, I need to work out ways to stop myself from doing so. I'd hoped that CBT would help but having to wait over a month for another appt isn't working for me. I feel too desperate and need someone to help me NOW and far more regular. Maybe I need to pull my finger out and look for private therapy? I'm not sure what sort of therapy? Anger management? Parenting skills?
We had no spare money to go anywhere, it was raining, school holidays so everywhere's full anyway, loads of housework, not much sleep and it all just went wrong :(
I argued with the OH this morning (over his inability to take half decent photos *rolleye*) then had a miserable, demanding and basically mardy 3yo DS stomping around, taking a bite out of everything he could find and leaving it, grrr!
OH put the little one to bed for a nap before he left for work, me & DS decided to make a carrot cake. It was all going swimmingly until he wouldn't stop eating the mixture, I realised I had no cinnamon or SR flour and then turned around to find he'd dunked the seive in the egg/oil/sugar mixture. It sounds petty now but it was just the last straw, I shouted and told him he'd ruined it all, sent him up to his room so I could get a grip on myself (yeah bad move, not very UP/AP eh?) only to hear him go upstairs and wake his sister up on purpose.
I don't know what came over me, I was like a beast possessed, I shouted a lot more, frog marched him into bed and said some shit I shouldn't have said :( He proceeded to wake her up again, and it all just carried on in a crappy cycle. Me shouting, him shouting and crying, I lost my temper some more and put them both in their beds, shut their doors and tidied my bedroom to chill out, which didn't happen as he kept screeching and shouting at me from his room.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have even lost my temper, had I just have washed up the sieve we wouldn't have had 30mins of everyone (yes me too) crying and shouting, no one would have got hurt (me) and no one would have been told they ruin everything (poor DS).
I'm not sure why he triggers me so much, DD doesn't make me mad at all really. Maybe I expect more of him as he's 3 now? I'm still quite mad at him now, and have spent all day very detached and not mentally present with him. I feel guilty for it but it won't go away, even as I write it down, I'm still mad and want nothing to do with him as I want to punish him for making me mad (errr crazy no?)
We're having a 1:1 day tomorrow, OH has a rare Saturday off, I'm leaving DD with him and me & DS are going to town to meet a friend to go shopping. I will treat us both to lunch, probably a toy or something for him, and spend some time where no-one (hopefully) looses their cool.
I'm really not sure why he gets me so worked up, its a very recent thing, I just feel trapped in how I feel and I just can't stop myself shouting or whatever, maybe I'm too stubborn? I don't enjoy looses my cool, I need to work out ways to stop myself from doing so. I'd hoped that CBT would help but having to wait over a month for another appt isn't working for me. I feel too desperate and need someone to help me NOW and far more regular. Maybe I need to pull my finger out and look for private therapy? I'm not sure what sort of therapy? Anger management? Parenting skills?
Sunday, 12 August 2012
An empty blog
is what we seem to have here!
I realise I've started a blog (with no followers so far ahaha) and ran away...hmm...
I'm finding life hard at the moment, my CBT has started, although I dont have a second appointment until next week, I keep reading through the booklet and looking at the homework I should be doing...and not doing it! It's been almost a month since I wrote, I didn't write about my first CBT appointment, so I shall do that now.
My CBT therapist seems lovely, a big change from the psychiatric nurse who...wasn't! CBT lady did some questionnaires, asked some questions, wrote a lot about me and my head shit and then did a flow chart to show me how the negativity just cycles and returns tenfold. Oh how joyous!
We briefly spoke about my options, do I carry on with CBT or look into talking therapy for my birth trauma, I've decided to go for the CBT as we're in the here and now, and although I don't doubt I need to find peace with my birth trauma, I'm in no physical or mental state to go down that road right now. I need to mentally bring myself up before I can deal with them issues. I'm at peace with that, I know I need to be sorting out my present self, not my past self, right now.
My present self is a bit of a state, I'm constantly tired, lacking energy, miserable, moody and have no desire to be a fun, happy parent who can deal with the trials and tribulations of 2 toddlers. I've had some pretty horrific tantrums myself, that I'm sure as shit not proud of and I cant apologise or make good on as my children don't understand why or how it happens, but I'm trying to be more positive every day.
My worse offence is sitting on my phone all day, not being mentally present as I just can't deal, but that means my children know I'm not mentally there and it creates a big cycle of shouty mummy, whingy/destructive/fighting children, shouty mummy...and repeat!
I read this article recently that detailed all of this, and it made so much sense, can I find it to link here? Of course not! If anyone knows which article I'm on about, please link it in the comments.
I'm feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment, I'm not sure who I am really! I desperately need to find "me" and I've been shocked at myself for how much I've let "me" go.
I'm trying to sort my diet out, by eating as Paleo as possible, starting intermittent fasting, drinking more water, getting out the house more and eating less sugary crap.
My hairs a mess, it's an ugly inbetweeny cut cause I'm trying to grow it out for my wedding, stuck as blonde as I've no inspiration at all, and so damaged from a lot of abuse :( I'm thinking of getting it cut, adding some colour and keeping it in good condition with the hopes I'll have long tresses for my wedding.
My clothing situation is awful, I have no idea what I wear half the time, but it's never anything that fits nicely or I actually like :( I'm going shopping with a friend this weekend, and hope to find some stuff and hope she gives me a good opinion!
And thats me for today :)
I realise I've started a blog (with no followers so far ahaha) and ran away...hmm...
I'm finding life hard at the moment, my CBT has started, although I dont have a second appointment until next week, I keep reading through the booklet and looking at the homework I should be doing...and not doing it! It's been almost a month since I wrote, I didn't write about my first CBT appointment, so I shall do that now.
My CBT therapist seems lovely, a big change from the psychiatric nurse who...wasn't! CBT lady did some questionnaires, asked some questions, wrote a lot about me and my head shit and then did a flow chart to show me how the negativity just cycles and returns tenfold. Oh how joyous!
We briefly spoke about my options, do I carry on with CBT or look into talking therapy for my birth trauma, I've decided to go for the CBT as we're in the here and now, and although I don't doubt I need to find peace with my birth trauma, I'm in no physical or mental state to go down that road right now. I need to mentally bring myself up before I can deal with them issues. I'm at peace with that, I know I need to be sorting out my present self, not my past self, right now.
My present self is a bit of a state, I'm constantly tired, lacking energy, miserable, moody and have no desire to be a fun, happy parent who can deal with the trials and tribulations of 2 toddlers. I've had some pretty horrific tantrums myself, that I'm sure as shit not proud of and I cant apologise or make good on as my children don't understand why or how it happens, but I'm trying to be more positive every day.
My worse offence is sitting on my phone all day, not being mentally present as I just can't deal, but that means my children know I'm not mentally there and it creates a big cycle of shouty mummy, whingy/destructive/fighting children, shouty mummy...and repeat!
I read this article recently that detailed all of this, and it made so much sense, can I find it to link here? Of course not! If anyone knows which article I'm on about, please link it in the comments.
I'm feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment, I'm not sure who I am really! I desperately need to find "me" and I've been shocked at myself for how much I've let "me" go.
I'm trying to sort my diet out, by eating as Paleo as possible, starting intermittent fasting, drinking more water, getting out the house more and eating less sugary crap.
My hairs a mess, it's an ugly inbetweeny cut cause I'm trying to grow it out for my wedding, stuck as blonde as I've no inspiration at all, and so damaged from a lot of abuse :( I'm thinking of getting it cut, adding some colour and keeping it in good condition with the hopes I'll have long tresses for my wedding.
My clothing situation is awful, I have no idea what I wear half the time, but it's never anything that fits nicely or I actually like :( I'm going shopping with a friend this weekend, and hope to find some stuff and hope she gives me a good opinion!
And thats me for today :)
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