I have come to end of my tether with the lack of sleep. I'm averaging 3/4hrs broken sleep a night, no matter what time I go to sleep, these 2 just tag team me all night, for no reason I can determine and I have just HAD IT!
I need sleep, it's all I think about. Maybe if I got more, I could take them out to places that would tire them more, so maybe they'd sleep more?
I'm still feeling very lonely, physically lonely. I wish I had real friends, not just mummy ones from groups etc, but real friends, who I could cry/laugh/share with, over cake ;)
I took my tired, stressed and emotionally empty state out on Halen tonight and I feel CRAP for it. It's not his fault Im on my 3rd solo bedtime whilst OH goes to band practise, nor that Im feeling overwhelmed and need some TLC and sleep desperately.
Hopefully I'll feel refuels after a bit of a break tomorrow, my inlays are taking both kiddos out to soft play whilst me and OH go back to look at a car we both like for my first car :)
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Friday, 12 October 2012
All My Friends Are Dead
Or so it feels...
This has been a bad week, a very bad week. I'm feeling very lonely and ignored by everyone.
I'm so sick of OH doing late nights at work, and staying in bed all morning, I'm so sick of being alone with grumpy tired children, I'm sick of not having enough money and I'm sick of not having any god damn friends!
I'm trying really hard to be positive at the moment, but it's so hard when I feel so negative about myself.
I've been trying to set up a home education group my end of town, and it's not going very well. There's been a lot of interest but in reality, hardly anyone came. The ones that did come then slagged it off afterwards and that's made me feel shitty!
I'm trying to completely change how I'm living my life. I'm stuck in this negative, bored and lonely life and I want out!
I'm trying to:
Stop eating junk food,
Get rid of useless "friends" who in fact just seem to mock me, or ignore me
Get out the house more
Try to be more patient with my kids
Get to bed earlier
Stop letting the TV babysit my children
Be more sensible with money
And that's it for now...
This has been a bad week, a very bad week. I'm feeling very lonely and ignored by everyone.
I'm so sick of OH doing late nights at work, and staying in bed all morning, I'm so sick of being alone with grumpy tired children, I'm sick of not having enough money and I'm sick of not having any god damn friends!
I'm trying really hard to be positive at the moment, but it's so hard when I feel so negative about myself.
I've been trying to set up a home education group my end of town, and it's not going very well. There's been a lot of interest but in reality, hardly anyone came. The ones that did come then slagged it off afterwards and that's made me feel shitty!
I'm trying to completely change how I'm living my life. I'm stuck in this negative, bored and lonely life and I want out!
I'm trying to:
Stop eating junk food,
Get rid of useless "friends" who in fact just seem to mock me, or ignore me
Get out the house more
Try to be more patient with my kids
Get to bed earlier
Stop letting the TV babysit my children
Be more sensible with money
And that's it for now...
Friday, 21 September 2012
This attachment parenting rubbish
Is just that, rubbish.
3yrs and 2 children later, I have 2 clingy children who cant go 5minutes without mummy milk, who will not leave me alone for 5 minutes, I cant even remember the last time I went to the loo by myself!
Neither are sleeping much, both are awake pretty much all night and Im really really sick of it. I dont understand how something that is a basic fucking human need can be so hard?!?!
The eldest just ignores me, does what he wants and generally wrecks the house. I find myself following him everywhere taking xyz off him, asking him not to do xyz and please don't punch his sister.
Where are these secure children I was promised? Who'd eat their dinner, be responsible and respectful and also wouldnt be clingy?? Im feeling pretty fucking short changed here!
Thursday, 13 September 2012
No sleep...forgot how many years since Iv had any
Urgh, whiney post and yes I know that night waking/early mornings are part of children.
I am shattered, mentally and physically. DS was sleeping through for a few weeks earlier this year, but that stopped a few months ago, DD was too and again thats stopped recently (although they didnt sleep through at the same time, now that would be bliss!). I seem to be averaging 5hrs broken sleep a night and have done since I got pregnant with DS (so 4years next month)
I am at breaking point, I NEED sleep, and the odd lie in isnt cutting it. I am feeling very very resentful and angry that they wont sleep and let me sleep.
DS is refusing to eat food in the evening, so no dinner, no snacks, no cereal etc. Iv tried no snacks in the afternoon and he just gets angry and upset with me as hes hungry :(
On a usual day, he eats breakfast,luch and snacks, the last thing he eats is at about 4pm is (and no, he wont eat dinner then, Iv tried) so hes awake all night from 2am saying hes hungry. I lost my temper this morning and had a big big tantrum, swore and shouted and wasnt very nice to anyone. Im not proud of it but it was a long time coming, Iv just had enough of him at the moment and need some more sleep, some nore support and some more TLC!
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Nursing to sleep
For the very first time in a long long time, Iv actually enjoyed nursing Halen to sleep.
Oh my little boy Im so sorry Im mentally fucked a lot of the time and cant always give you what you need.
You mean the world to me when Im capable of feeling it.
Friday, 31 August 2012
I don't like my child
God what a title!
Apologies for a big rants woe is me other, but Im hoping someone can relate (or not as the case may be, it's not a pleasant state of mind to be in...)
Iv had a really struggle of a day and Iv come to the conclusion that I don't really like my DS. He winds me up very easily, I find him very easy to get angry with, I blame a lot on him, when he asks for mummy milk I feel very violent towards him as I feel very violated (not sexually violated, like he's violating my personal space) I shout at him a lot and want to punish him/make him feel sad etc, I find myself blaming him for stuff he can't help, such as waking early and not bring able to be quiet so he wakes everyone else up.
The thing is, I don't feel like this voluntarily, it's making me feel sick with guilty for feeling this way. I'm not sure how I can change it?? Even when we spend 1:1 time together, I'm not enjoying it as Im constantly having to badger and moan at him to stop abc and do xyz, I'm not sure when our relationship became so damaged? Iv certainly never felt very bonded to him, but it's never been like this?? Is as if we're severed down the middle and i just don't know how to make it better??
Apologies for a big rants woe is me other, but Im hoping someone can relate (or not as the case may be, it's not a pleasant state of mind to be in...)
Iv had a really struggle of a day and Iv come to the conclusion that I don't really like my DS. He winds me up very easily, I find him very easy to get angry with, I blame a lot on him, when he asks for mummy milk I feel very violent towards him as I feel very violated (not sexually violated, like he's violating my personal space) I shout at him a lot and want to punish him/make him feel sad etc, I find myself blaming him for stuff he can't help, such as waking early and not bring able to be quiet so he wakes everyone else up.
The thing is, I don't feel like this voluntarily, it's making me feel sick with guilty for feeling this way. I'm not sure how I can change it?? Even when we spend 1:1 time together, I'm not enjoying it as Im constantly having to badger and moan at him to stop abc and do xyz, I'm not sure when our relationship became so damaged? Iv certainly never felt very bonded to him, but it's never been like this?? Is as if we're severed down the middle and i just don't know how to make it better??
Thursday, 23 August 2012
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Rough night
God tonight's a rough night. I've had a stressful day with tantrums/ILs feeding the kids rubbish before bed, little sleep and it's been very hot! Probably sounds like not much to most but Im in a fragile mental place right now and it's all building up in me and I feel like I might crack.
The paranoias back, I'm struggling to talk myself out of doing things that might forever alter some friendships Iv held dear. I feel like my friends avoid me, whether be that in real life or online. I seem to always be the one texting/messaging people only to get no reply or very limited replies and I'm not really sure why, I don't feel like Iv done anything to warrant it, but the aim not always rational or completely mentally present, so maybe I have? I'm really not sure but I could really do with some support and comfort tonight and no ones around to give it.
I don't want to go bed and wake up, Iv had enough of this all and Id just like it to end. If I can't get better I don't see the point of carrying in this miserable life.
The paranoias back, I'm struggling to talk myself out of doing things that might forever alter some friendships Iv held dear. I feel like my friends avoid me, whether be that in real life or online. I seem to always be the one texting/messaging people only to get no reply or very limited replies and I'm not really sure why, I don't feel like Iv done anything to warrant it, but the aim not always rational or completely mentally present, so maybe I have? I'm really not sure but I could really do with some support and comfort tonight and no ones around to give it.
I don't want to go bed and wake up, Iv had enough of this all and Id just like it to end. If I can't get better I don't see the point of carrying in this miserable life.
Friday, 17 August 2012
Mama tantrums
Today's been a bad day...no screw that, today's been horrific.
We had no spare money to go anywhere, it was raining, school holidays so everywhere's full anyway, loads of housework, not much sleep and it all just went wrong :(
I argued with the OH this morning (over his inability to take half decent photos *rolleye*) then had a miserable, demanding and basically mardy 3yo DS stomping around, taking a bite out of everything he could find and leaving it, grrr!
OH put the little one to bed for a nap before he left for work, me & DS decided to make a carrot cake. It was all going swimmingly until he wouldn't stop eating the mixture, I realised I had no cinnamon or SR flour and then turned around to find he'd dunked the seive in the egg/oil/sugar mixture. It sounds petty now but it was just the last straw, I shouted and told him he'd ruined it all, sent him up to his room so I could get a grip on myself (yeah bad move, not very UP/AP eh?) only to hear him go upstairs and wake his sister up on purpose.
I don't know what came over me, I was like a beast possessed, I shouted a lot more, frog marched him into bed and said some shit I shouldn't have said :( He proceeded to wake her up again, and it all just carried on in a crappy cycle. Me shouting, him shouting and crying, I lost my temper some more and put them both in their beds, shut their doors and tidied my bedroom to chill out, which didn't happen as he kept screeching and shouting at me from his room.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have even lost my temper, had I just have washed up the sieve we wouldn't have had 30mins of everyone (yes me too) crying and shouting, no one would have got hurt (me) and no one would have been told they ruin everything (poor DS).
I'm not sure why he triggers me so much, DD doesn't make me mad at all really. Maybe I expect more of him as he's 3 now? I'm still quite mad at him now, and have spent all day very detached and not mentally present with him. I feel guilty for it but it won't go away, even as I write it down, I'm still mad and want nothing to do with him as I want to punish him for making me mad (errr crazy no?)
We're having a 1:1 day tomorrow, OH has a rare Saturday off, I'm leaving DD with him and me & DS are going to town to meet a friend to go shopping. I will treat us both to lunch, probably a toy or something for him, and spend some time where no-one (hopefully) looses their cool.
I'm really not sure why he gets me so worked up, its a very recent thing, I just feel trapped in how I feel and I just can't stop myself shouting or whatever, maybe I'm too stubborn? I don't enjoy looses my cool, I need to work out ways to stop myself from doing so. I'd hoped that CBT would help but having to wait over a month for another appt isn't working for me. I feel too desperate and need someone to help me NOW and far more regular. Maybe I need to pull my finger out and look for private therapy? I'm not sure what sort of therapy? Anger management? Parenting skills?
We had no spare money to go anywhere, it was raining, school holidays so everywhere's full anyway, loads of housework, not much sleep and it all just went wrong :(
I argued with the OH this morning (over his inability to take half decent photos *rolleye*) then had a miserable, demanding and basically mardy 3yo DS stomping around, taking a bite out of everything he could find and leaving it, grrr!
OH put the little one to bed for a nap before he left for work, me & DS decided to make a carrot cake. It was all going swimmingly until he wouldn't stop eating the mixture, I realised I had no cinnamon or SR flour and then turned around to find he'd dunked the seive in the egg/oil/sugar mixture. It sounds petty now but it was just the last straw, I shouted and told him he'd ruined it all, sent him up to his room so I could get a grip on myself (yeah bad move, not very UP/AP eh?) only to hear him go upstairs and wake his sister up on purpose.
I don't know what came over me, I was like a beast possessed, I shouted a lot more, frog marched him into bed and said some shit I shouldn't have said :( He proceeded to wake her up again, and it all just carried on in a crappy cycle. Me shouting, him shouting and crying, I lost my temper some more and put them both in their beds, shut their doors and tidied my bedroom to chill out, which didn't happen as he kept screeching and shouting at me from his room.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have even lost my temper, had I just have washed up the sieve we wouldn't have had 30mins of everyone (yes me too) crying and shouting, no one would have got hurt (me) and no one would have been told they ruin everything (poor DS).
I'm not sure why he triggers me so much, DD doesn't make me mad at all really. Maybe I expect more of him as he's 3 now? I'm still quite mad at him now, and have spent all day very detached and not mentally present with him. I feel guilty for it but it won't go away, even as I write it down, I'm still mad and want nothing to do with him as I want to punish him for making me mad (errr crazy no?)
We're having a 1:1 day tomorrow, OH has a rare Saturday off, I'm leaving DD with him and me & DS are going to town to meet a friend to go shopping. I will treat us both to lunch, probably a toy or something for him, and spend some time where no-one (hopefully) looses their cool.
I'm really not sure why he gets me so worked up, its a very recent thing, I just feel trapped in how I feel and I just can't stop myself shouting or whatever, maybe I'm too stubborn? I don't enjoy looses my cool, I need to work out ways to stop myself from doing so. I'd hoped that CBT would help but having to wait over a month for another appt isn't working for me. I feel too desperate and need someone to help me NOW and far more regular. Maybe I need to pull my finger out and look for private therapy? I'm not sure what sort of therapy? Anger management? Parenting skills?
Sunday, 12 August 2012
An empty blog
is what we seem to have here!
I realise I've started a blog (with no followers so far ahaha) and ran away...hmm...
I'm finding life hard at the moment, my CBT has started, although I dont have a second appointment until next week, I keep reading through the booklet and looking at the homework I should be doing...and not doing it! It's been almost a month since I wrote, I didn't write about my first CBT appointment, so I shall do that now.
My CBT therapist seems lovely, a big change from the psychiatric nurse who...wasn't! CBT lady did some questionnaires, asked some questions, wrote a lot about me and my head shit and then did a flow chart to show me how the negativity just cycles and returns tenfold. Oh how joyous!
We briefly spoke about my options, do I carry on with CBT or look into talking therapy for my birth trauma, I've decided to go for the CBT as we're in the here and now, and although I don't doubt I need to find peace with my birth trauma, I'm in no physical or mental state to go down that road right now. I need to mentally bring myself up before I can deal with them issues. I'm at peace with that, I know I need to be sorting out my present self, not my past self, right now.
My present self is a bit of a state, I'm constantly tired, lacking energy, miserable, moody and have no desire to be a fun, happy parent who can deal with the trials and tribulations of 2 toddlers. I've had some pretty horrific tantrums myself, that I'm sure as shit not proud of and I cant apologise or make good on as my children don't understand why or how it happens, but I'm trying to be more positive every day.
My worse offence is sitting on my phone all day, not being mentally present as I just can't deal, but that means my children know I'm not mentally there and it creates a big cycle of shouty mummy, whingy/destructive/fighting children, shouty mummy...and repeat!
I read this article recently that detailed all of this, and it made so much sense, can I find it to link here? Of course not! If anyone knows which article I'm on about, please link it in the comments.
I'm feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment, I'm not sure who I am really! I desperately need to find "me" and I've been shocked at myself for how much I've let "me" go.
I'm trying to sort my diet out, by eating as Paleo as possible, starting intermittent fasting, drinking more water, getting out the house more and eating less sugary crap.
My hairs a mess, it's an ugly inbetweeny cut cause I'm trying to grow it out for my wedding, stuck as blonde as I've no inspiration at all, and so damaged from a lot of abuse :( I'm thinking of getting it cut, adding some colour and keeping it in good condition with the hopes I'll have long tresses for my wedding.
My clothing situation is awful, I have no idea what I wear half the time, but it's never anything that fits nicely or I actually like :( I'm going shopping with a friend this weekend, and hope to find some stuff and hope she gives me a good opinion!
And thats me for today :)
I realise I've started a blog (with no followers so far ahaha) and ran away...hmm...
I'm finding life hard at the moment, my CBT has started, although I dont have a second appointment until next week, I keep reading through the booklet and looking at the homework I should be doing...and not doing it! It's been almost a month since I wrote, I didn't write about my first CBT appointment, so I shall do that now.
My CBT therapist seems lovely, a big change from the psychiatric nurse who...wasn't! CBT lady did some questionnaires, asked some questions, wrote a lot about me and my head shit and then did a flow chart to show me how the negativity just cycles and returns tenfold. Oh how joyous!
We briefly spoke about my options, do I carry on with CBT or look into talking therapy for my birth trauma, I've decided to go for the CBT as we're in the here and now, and although I don't doubt I need to find peace with my birth trauma, I'm in no physical or mental state to go down that road right now. I need to mentally bring myself up before I can deal with them issues. I'm at peace with that, I know I need to be sorting out my present self, not my past self, right now.
My present self is a bit of a state, I'm constantly tired, lacking energy, miserable, moody and have no desire to be a fun, happy parent who can deal with the trials and tribulations of 2 toddlers. I've had some pretty horrific tantrums myself, that I'm sure as shit not proud of and I cant apologise or make good on as my children don't understand why or how it happens, but I'm trying to be more positive every day.
My worse offence is sitting on my phone all day, not being mentally present as I just can't deal, but that means my children know I'm not mentally there and it creates a big cycle of shouty mummy, whingy/destructive/fighting children, shouty mummy...and repeat!
I read this article recently that detailed all of this, and it made so much sense, can I find it to link here? Of course not! If anyone knows which article I'm on about, please link it in the comments.
I'm feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment, I'm not sure who I am really! I desperately need to find "me" and I've been shocked at myself for how much I've let "me" go.
I'm trying to sort my diet out, by eating as Paleo as possible, starting intermittent fasting, drinking more water, getting out the house more and eating less sugary crap.
My hairs a mess, it's an ugly inbetweeny cut cause I'm trying to grow it out for my wedding, stuck as blonde as I've no inspiration at all, and so damaged from a lot of abuse :( I'm thinking of getting it cut, adding some colour and keeping it in good condition with the hopes I'll have long tresses for my wedding.
My clothing situation is awful, I have no idea what I wear half the time, but it's never anything that fits nicely or I actually like :( I'm going shopping with a friend this weekend, and hope to find some stuff and hope she gives me a good opinion!
And thats me for today :)
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
CBT referral and a bad afternoon
Sooo its official...Post Natal Depression has finally been officially diagnosed.
After a trip to the psychiatric nurse at my doctors, I have PND (I knew already) and Iv been referred for CBT.
Im relieved, glad and proud of myself for going (its only took 3 years...) and getting the road to recovery sorted *happy dance*
I didn't really like the nurse though, she wasn't very child-friendly in her views; she thinks I should wean DS and that hes 'draining me dry' as 'all children do when allowed free range of breastmilk'. This deeply offended me and I found myself quite angry with her.
Im not sure why I expected anything different, but it always saddens me when breastfeeding is seen as a problem. Some days breastfeeding my children is the only thing I do right so no way in hell would I consider weaning. DS isnt ready, and despite horrific nursing aversion, nor am I really.
She suggested anti depressants, which I declined. I don't feel I need them whilst Im in the right mental space to deal with the cause of this.
She didn't support my decline, stating Im trying to heal with only half the cure by only accepting CBT.
She wants to see me again in 2 weeks, and regularly after to keep an eye on my moods, Im having my first CBT appointment next week too so fingers crossed it goes well.
After a stressful morning there, I had a stressful afternoon with DS. He was tired and gets aggressive when tired & I dont deal with being hit very well.
I ended up shouting, crying as he'd headbutted me and then sending him to bed :( not very gentle parenting at all, although guilt made me nurse him to sleep so he went to sleep feeling a bit more loved than he had done earlier.
Weve had a good evening since, reading lots of books and we shared dinner together, so Im feeling better but still very ridden in guilt.
I need to find a way to curb my anger, it scares me sometimes that Im so angry with my children :( I dont want to be the shouty mum I am at the moment but I find it hard not to be *sigh*
Monday, 16 July 2012
The start of my journey
Hello!
I've started a blog to detail the down and dirty aspects of trying to pull myself out of depression. This won't be a happy happy blog for sometime maybe, as I'm going to be detailing most things along my journey towards positive mental health.
I'll introduce myself, I'm AP Mama, mama to 2 beautiful, spirited and amazing children. DS (3) and DD (1), who are both the main driving force behind my need to recover.
I come from a broken home, with a mostly absent father who suffers from Bipolar Disorder (we have some contact via social networking, but not much) and a mum who although she loves me & my siblings, doesn't parent the way I do so has no real comprehension of how I wish to live my adult life. I feel both of these points play a big part in my mental health, I'm terrified of becoming either of my parents but see a lot of them in myself and my parenting.
I'm planning to detail my road to recovery here, as I find writing things down helps me to process things.
I've started a blog to detail the down and dirty aspects of trying to pull myself out of depression. This won't be a happy happy blog for sometime maybe, as I'm going to be detailing most things along my journey towards positive mental health.
I'll introduce myself, I'm AP Mama, mama to 2 beautiful, spirited and amazing children. DS (3) and DD (1), who are both the main driving force behind my need to recover.
I come from a broken home, with a mostly absent father who suffers from Bipolar Disorder (we have some contact via social networking, but not much) and a mum who although she loves me & my siblings, doesn't parent the way I do so has no real comprehension of how I wish to live my adult life. I feel both of these points play a big part in my mental health, I'm terrified of becoming either of my parents but see a lot of them in myself and my parenting.
I'm planning to detail my road to recovery here, as I find writing things down helps me to process things.
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