And another crap night is on the cards

I have come to end of my tether with the lack of sleep. I'm averaging 3/4hrs broken sleep a night, no matter what time I go to sleep, these 2 just tag team me all night, for no reason I can determine and I have just HAD IT!

I need sleep, it's all I think about. Maybe if I got more, I could take them out to places that would tire them more, so maybe they'd sleep more?

I'm still feeling very lonely, physically lonely. I wish I had real friends, not just mummy ones from groups etc, but real friends, who I could cry/laugh/share with, over cake ;)

I took my tired, stressed and emotionally empty state out on Halen tonight and I feel CRAP for it. It's not his fault Im on my 3rd  solo bedtime whilst OH goes to band practise, nor that Im feeling overwhelmed and need some TLC and sleep desperately.

Hopefully I'll feel refuels after a bit of a break tomorrow, my inlays are taking both kiddos out to soft play whilst me and OH go back to look at a car we both like for my first car :)

All My Friends Are Dead

Or so it feels...

This has been a bad week, a very bad week. I'm feeling very lonely and ignored by everyone.

I'm so sick of OH doing late nights at work, and staying in bed all morning, I'm so sick of being alone with grumpy tired children, I'm sick of not having enough money and I'm sick of not having any god damn friends!

I'm trying really hard to be positive at the moment, but it's so hard when I feel so negative about myself.
I've been trying to set up a home education group my end of town, and it's not going very well. There's been a lot of interest but in reality, hardly anyone came. The ones that did come then slagged it off afterwards and that's made me feel shitty!

I'm trying to completely change how I'm living my life. I'm stuck in this negative, bored and lonely life and I want out!

I'm trying to:

Stop eating junk food,
Get rid of useless "friends" who in fact just seem to mock me, or ignore me
Get out the house more
Try to be more patient with my kids
Get to bed earlier
Stop letting the TV babysit my children
Be more sensible with money

And that's it for now...

This attachment parenting rubbish

Is just that, rubbish.

3yrs and 2 children later, I have 2 clingy children who cant go 5minutes without mummy milk, who will not leave me alone for 5 minutes, I cant even remember the last time I went to the loo by myself!

Neither are sleeping much, both are awake pretty much all night and Im really really sick of it. I dont understand how something that is a basic fucking human need can be so hard?!?!

The eldest just ignores me, does what he wants and generally wrecks the house. I find myself following him everywhere taking xyz off him, asking him not to do xyz and please don't punch his sister.

Where are these secure children I was promised? Who'd eat their dinner, be responsible and respectful and also wouldnt be clingy?? Im feeling pretty fucking short changed here!

No sleep...forgot how many years since Iv had any

Urgh, whiney post and yes I know that night waking/early mornings are part of children.

I am shattered, mentally and physically. DS was sleeping through for a few weeks earlier this year, but that stopped a few months ago, DD was too and again thats stopped recently (although they didnt sleep through at the same time, now that would be bliss!). I seem to be averaging 5hrs broken sleep a night and have done since I got pregnant with DS (so 4years next month)

I am at breaking point, I NEED sleep, and the odd lie in isnt cutting it. I am feeling very very resentful and angry that they wont sleep and let me sleep.
DS is refusing to eat food in the evening, so no dinner, no snacks, no cereal etc. Iv tried no snacks in the afternoon and he just gets angry and upset with me as hes hungry :(

On a usual day, he eats breakfast,luch and snacks, the last thing he eats is at about 4pm is (and no, he wont eat dinner then, Iv tried) so hes awake all night from 2am saying hes hungry. I lost my temper this morning and had a big big tantrum, swore and shouted and wasnt very nice to anyone. Im not proud of it but it was a long time coming, Iv just had enough of him at the moment and need some more sleep, some nore support and some more TLC!

Nursing to sleep

For the very first time in a long long time, Iv actually enjoyed nursing Halen to sleep.

Oh my little boy Im so sorry Im mentally fucked a lot of the time and cant always give you what you need.

You mean the world to me when Im capable of feeling it.

I don't like my child

God what a title!

Apologies for a big rants woe is me other, but Im hoping someone can relate (or not as the case may be, it's not a pleasant state of mind to be in...)

Iv had a really struggle of a day and Iv come to the conclusion that I don't really like my DS. He winds me up very easily, I find him very easy to get angry with, I blame a lot on him, when he asks for mummy milk I feel very violent towards him as I feel very violated (not sexually violated, like he's violating my personal space) I shout at him a lot and want to punish him/make him feel sad etc, I find myself blaming him for stuff he can't help, such as waking early and not bring able to be quiet so he wakes everyone else up.
The thing is, I don't feel like this voluntarily, it's making me feel sick with guilty for feeling this way. I'm not sure how I can change it?? Even when we spend 1:1 time together, I'm not enjoying it as Im constantly having to badger and moan at him to stop abc and do xyz,  I'm not sure when our relationship became so damaged? Iv certainly never felt very bonded to him, but it's never been like this?? Is as if we're severed down the middle and i just don't know how to make it better??

I just want to die today

Thats pretty much it really today *shrug*