An empty blog

is what we seem to have here! 

I realise I've started a blog (with no followers so far ahaha) and ran away...hmm...
I'm finding life hard at the moment, my CBT has started, although I dont have a second appointment until next week, I keep reading through the booklet and looking at the homework I should be doing...and not doing it! It's been almost a month since I wrote, I didn't write about my first CBT appointment, so I shall do that now.

My CBT therapist seems lovely, a big change from the psychiatric nurse who...wasn't! CBT lady did some questionnaires, asked some questions, wrote a lot about me and my head shit and then did a flow chart to show me how the negativity just cycles and returns tenfold. Oh how joyous! 

We briefly spoke about my options, do I carry on with CBT or look into talking therapy for my birth trauma, I've decided to go for the CBT as we're in the here and now, and although I don't doubt I need to find peace with my birth trauma, I'm in no physical or mental state to go down that road right now. I need to mentally bring myself up before I can deal with them issues. I'm at peace with that, I know I need to be sorting out my present self, not my past self, right now. 

My present self is a bit of a state, I'm constantly tired, lacking energy, miserable, moody and have no desire to be a fun, happy parent who can deal with the trials and tribulations of 2 toddlers. I've had some pretty horrific tantrums myself, that I'm sure as shit not proud of and I cant apologise or make good on as my children don't understand why or how it happens, but I'm trying to be more positive every day. 

My worse offence is sitting on my phone all day, not being mentally present as I just can't deal, but that means my children know I'm not mentally there and it creates a big cycle of shouty mummy, whingy/destructive/fighting children, shouty mummy...and repeat! 
I read this article recently that detailed all of this, and it made so much sense, can I find it to link here? Of course not! If anyone knows which article I'm on about, please link it in the comments. 

I'm feeling a bit lost in myself at the moment, I'm not sure who I am really! I desperately need to find "me" and I've been shocked at myself for how much I've let "me" go.
I'm trying to sort my diet out, by eating as Paleo as possible, starting intermittent fasting, drinking more water, getting out the house more and eating less sugary crap. 
My hairs a mess, it's an ugly inbetweeny cut cause I'm trying to grow it out for my wedding, stuck as blonde as I've no inspiration at all, and so damaged from a lot of abuse :( I'm thinking of getting it cut, adding some colour and keeping it in good condition with the hopes I'll have long tresses for my wedding. 
My clothing situation is awful, I have no idea what I wear half the time, but it's never anything that fits nicely or I actually like :( I'm going shopping with a friend this weekend, and hope to find some stuff and hope she gives me a good opinion! 

And thats me for today :)