Mama tantrums

Today's been a bad day...no screw that, today's been horrific.

We had no spare money to go anywhere, it was raining, school holidays so everywhere's full anyway, loads of housework, not much sleep and it all just went wrong :(

I argued with the OH this morning (over his inability to take half decent photos *rolleye*) then had a miserable, demanding and basically mardy 3yo DS stomping around, taking a bite out of everything he could find and leaving it, grrr!

OH put the little one to bed for a nap before he left for work, me & DS decided to make a carrot cake. It was all going swimmingly until he wouldn't stop eating the mixture, I realised I had no cinnamon or SR flour and then turned around to find he'd dunked the seive in the egg/oil/sugar mixture. It sounds petty now but it was just the last straw, I shouted and told him he'd ruined it all, sent him up to his room so I could get a grip on myself (yeah bad move, not very UP/AP eh?) only to hear him go upstairs and wake his sister up on purpose.

I don't know what came over me, I was like a beast possessed, I shouted a lot more, frog marched him into bed and said some shit I shouldn't have said :( He proceeded to wake her up again, and it all just carried on in a crappy cycle. Me shouting, him shouting and crying, I lost my temper some more and put them both in their beds, shut their doors and tidied my bedroom to chill out, which didn't happen as he kept screeching and shouting at me from his room.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have even lost my temper, had I just have washed up the sieve we wouldn't have had 30mins of everyone (yes me too) crying and shouting, no one would have got hurt (me) and no one would have been told they ruin everything (poor DS).

I'm not sure why he triggers me so much, DD doesn't make me mad at all really. Maybe I expect more of him as he's 3 now? I'm still quite mad at him now, and have spent all day very detached and not mentally present with him. I feel guilty for it but it won't go away, even as I write it down, I'm still mad and want nothing to do with him as I want to punish him for making me mad (errr crazy no?)

We're having a 1:1 day tomorrow, OH has a rare Saturday off, I'm leaving DD with him and me & DS are going to town to meet a friend to go shopping. I will treat us both to lunch, probably a toy or something for him, and spend some time where no-one (hopefully) looses their cool.

I'm really not sure why he gets me so worked up, its a very recent thing, I just feel trapped in how I feel and I just can't stop myself shouting or whatever, maybe I'm too stubborn? I don't enjoy looses my cool, I need to work out ways to stop myself from doing so. I'd hoped that CBT would help but having to wait over a month for another appt isn't working for me. I feel too desperate and need someone to help me NOW and far more regular. Maybe I need to pull my finger out and look for private therapy? I'm not sure what sort of therapy? Anger management? Parenting skills?